If You Noticed My Silence…

My last few months were spent being pounded by monster waves in this beautiful and at times ferocious sea of life. But I have, at last, found calmer waters, have surfaced for air, and am back at the keyboard.

Thank you to all who sent healing prayers for my little one and hang-in-there prayers for me.

After 5 emergency room visits, 28 days of hospitalization, countless “pokey things” (e.g. any procedure in which a needle is used), too many Xrays, 3 bone scans,  2 MRIs, 2 surgical bone biopsies, one unnecessary picc line insertion (inserted and removed the same day), a terrifying incident in which we learned Jadyn is allergic to morphine, and more hours of excruciating pain than any toddler should ever ever ever experience…

Jadyn is doing really WELL!

No more IVs or Xrays. No more wheelchairs. She is back to her happy, dancing, skipping self and has not had any pain at all since her recent diagnosis (a super rare inflammatory bone condition) and treatment. She is doing so well, she started school this morning, and she’s one happy little girl.

Actually, Jadyn remained happy throughout this entire experience. I, however, with my grown-up fears, judgments, doubts and, at times, RAGE was emotionally and spiritually exhausted after months of mis- and missing diagnoses. I focused on maintaining an outward expression of parental calm and faith in the Divine, while inwardly fearing that I might drown.

Through it all, I learned some great lessons from Jadyn’s awesome little self.

One night around 2 a.m., Jadyn’s pain medication wore off (again) 30 minutes before she was due for another dose. She cried and cried and repeated “It hurts too much” over and over while we waited for the nurse to hear back from the doctor with authorization to give her more medicine. Watching any child suffer is excruciating, but when it is your child and she is turning to you for relief? There are no words to describe that. I silently begged God for mercy and I tried to be strong for her, but I couldn’t hold back the tears, and when she saw that I was hurting, Jadyn forgot about her own pain for a moment and said to me with absolute certainty, “It’s going to be okay, Mommy.”

She said it like she knew something I didn’t.

The morning of her (2nd) bone biopsy, she emerged from general anesthesia (with all those wires still connected to her), opened her eyes and smiled at me. Her first words: “Do you think I could go to the playroom today?”

The following day a physical therapist came in the room with a miniature walker. I’d seen one of those (the adult-sized version) plenty of times, and so had Jadyn. My 84-year-old mother has one that she uses when her arthritis and fibromyalgia get the best of her.

Did I mention Jadyn is 4?

She was pretty excited to get her hands on the thing, but I was demolished by it. I had to leave the room for a minute to pull myself together. I interpreted the walker as a symbol of defeat. I feared that whatever the monster was that was crippling my daughter was winning the battle, and this little contraption looked to me like the monster’s Iwo Jima flag.

Jadyn had no such misconception. She saw the “crutch” for what it was–a chance to run again. Here she is taking it for a spin for the first time:

It occurred to me as I watched my child limping through the halls of Children’s Hospital with her new found freedom, that I was watching with dread and self pity a scene another mother might be begging God to witness. My daughter’s “curse” could be a wheelchair bound child’s blessing. And, even the wheelchair bound child’s “curse” is a blessing many the mother of a terminally ill or deceased child would give her own life for.

Jadyn’s name means “thankful.”

That. Says. It. All.


17 Responses to “If You Noticed My Silence…”

  • jennica Carmona Says:

    That was such a beautifully written post. Thank you for sharing it. It is very inspiring to read about your journey and experiences with your daughter.

    • Kathleen Cross Says:

      Thank you for reading the piece and sharing your comment :)

      I’m definitely focusing on being more thankful these days!

  • Tammy Crotteau Says:

    “I’m skipping”.
    I am humbled.
    I hope to remember this next time a difficult challenge comes my way.
    Thank you, Jadyn.

  • Steven Lemon Says:

    First OFF TOPIC post I have ever really been happy to see in my whole life!

    So happy to know you and your little one are doing well and hope the good news continues until the mountains fall into the sea.

  • Laurie Cameron Says:

    How very heartwarming.

  • CHERYL Says:

    Abundant blessings to you and your beautiful daughter. May she continue to thrive and heal.

    Cheryl~

    • Kathleen Cross Says:

      Thank you,Cheryl. Looking forward to her not needing medicine every day, but so far so good. What a gift to watch her play in the park–running, jumping, climbing. :)

  • Linda Walton aka bobbysgirlforever Says:

    It is truly amazing that which we learn from our children Sis. *sigh*

    It does my heart good to know that life has calmed down for the both of you lovely ladies and that Miss Jadyn is excited about school. That does not surprise me one bit! Jadyn is brilliant and will, undoubtedly, teach the teacher and the entire class a thing or two. *big smile*

    I, too, enjoyed Steve’s sentiment. That says it all! *wink*

    Love to you and your precious baby girl – XOXO

  • Greg Adams Says:

    You BOTH are incredible and isn’t amazing what we can learn from our kids….Continued love and prayers.
    Unc

    • Kathleen Cross Says:

      :) It’s due to our incredible inheritance

      ;) lol

      Thanks, Unc. Love you and thanks for the prayers!

  • Dawn May Adams Says:

    I’m sorry Kathie that I hadn’t seen this last month due to all the stuff going on. Since I talk to you quite often on the phone I know that she is doing fine now and back in school,so it softened the impact somewhat when I did see it. However, I couldn’t keep the tears from falling realizing what the two of you went through during all of the pain, medication and frustration of seeing your little one suffering. Seeing the video is such a heart tugger. Her spirit and strength is so compelling that it makes me ashamed of the many times I find myself cursing my own pain. I have to pray for my spirituality to come to the surface at those times. With Jadyn it is inherent in her. Her turning off her pain to console her mommy is proof of that. God Bless her and you. See you on Mother’s Day. Love you both. Mom

  • Perpetual N C Says:

    Thank you for sharing that beautiful and emotional experience with us. I am so humbled as half the time I forget to be thankful for good health. Your baby is such a fighter. Wish you all the best

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